Oftentimes the Holy Spirit makes us aware of some hindrance in our relationship with God. Oh, not sin necessarily, but there is an obstacle by which God, through his Spirit is trying to make us cognizant. These hindrances often masquerade themselves as sicknesses, broken dreams, divers wholesome addictions, educational and occupational pursuits, and even overactive religiousness. Complicating matters more is the reality that the longer you are in the Faith, and the more protracted the trial, the more difficult it is to adequately discern between the symptom and the problem, or even the existence of a spiritual predicament.
Sometimes we ask God why? Why me; why so long; why so much pain, why do I feel so alone, why have you forgotten about me? Oh, it is not that we challenge His sovereignty or divine providence, but God has captured our attention in a most obvious manner that pricks our carnal man with His holy character. In response, in one manner or another, the why connotes, Ouch! God, you are hurting me! He has made us to feel uncomfortable in the realm of the natural man. We know “all things work together for good” (Rom. 8:26), and that we have a High Priest that can be “touched with the feelings of our infirmities” (Heb. 4:16), but yet still we ask, why? I mean after all, He loves us; He is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscience. He can fix what is wrong with our lives with only a Word, but He chooses to permit the thorns in our flesh to remain.
A Personal Testimony
I write this because in my personal life I have been going through a seven-year struggle, coupled by a sixteen year trial by which it seemed that no matter how I fasted, prayed, memorized Bible chapters, attended church, there was no fix. Everything became counter-productive. I felt I had an anger brewing inside me, but I did not know how to channel it. Occasionally, I would loose myself from its fetters only to find myself entangled in its web again. I could not be angry with God because He is perfect; I could not be angry with the Church because it is comprised of my brothers and sisters. So, I was holding it in – where was I going to place all this hidden anger? Can anger just dissipate?
I write this because in my personal life I have been going through a seven-year struggle, coupled by a sixteen year trial by which it seemed that no matter how I fasted, prayed, memorized Bible chapters, attended church, there was no fix. Everything became counter-productive. I felt I had an anger brewing inside me, but I did not know how to channel it. Occasionally, I would loose myself from its fetters only to find myself entangled in its web again. I could not be angry with God because He is perfect; I could not be angry with the Church because it is comprised of my brothers and sisters. So, I was holding it in – where was I going to place all this hidden anger? Can anger just dissipate?
I was not totally aware of this, but I was dodging God. Oh, I prayed, but just so as to meet the requirement. I attended church, but only because I was commanded to do so (Heb. 10:25); even preached and felt the power of God but was not totally yielded. I had a plan: I am going to serve God by his grace, but because of my past hurts, pains, and disappointments, I will not give 100 percent, but I will live holy because of God’s overt goodness in my life. Now, I want you to know that I did not say this audibly or plan it strategically. Instead, I lived it out.
Unintentional Preparation
We know God’s timing is perfect. During my break from academia, I had a difficult time focusing on the various genres of religious studies as I had planned: theology, sanctification, and etcetera. So, I went back to rudimentary studies – reading only my Bible. Since dodging God and identifying my religious efforts as counter-productive, I was reading barely enough to say I was daily engaging the Word. But it was through reading on average two hours a day that my soul’s true state surfaced: I was lukewarm! Oh my, how did this happen? Wait! I am not sinning, so am I really in a lukewarm state? Is not my living a holy life enough?
Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love my church, but I was tired of it. It felt like attending services was not resolving the obstacles or challenges I was facing. We know how the Devil works; he proposes that our circumstances are so unique that no one could ever understand. However, I decided I would attend church more regularly during my break from academia; this was not an emotional decision, more like a necessary one. I know I needed to be in fellowship. God took advantage of the revival mode I intentionally determined to be in to corner me. Oh, the Holy Spirit has been daily working on my conscience, but I was meeting the requirements by God’s grace, so I tuned Him out. How? Work – I stayed so busy that anytime I had time to myself all I could do was rest. Again, this was not intentional; it was my standardized manner of living.
An Unwelcomed Intervention
Because I was on-call during the past weekend and had additionally set my mind to attend church, I did not rest adequately and was slightly agitated when my brother sent me a text after 5am in the morning. I did not want to ignore his message because I knew he was flying into Japan from the Philippines. God, having already cornered me, was now positioning for an arrest! Once awakened, I was unable to return to sleep. What am I going to do? It is too early to go bike riding or engage the running trails . . .
Then it happened! I cannot explain to you how, but God and I entered a conversation. Yes, the one that always initiated but never completed because of my busy schedule. During this time God revealed something so elementary yet transformational that I decided to share it! Now, this is not for everyone. But I know there is someone out there that is discouraged about his or her walk in God. His promises have not yet been fulfilled; your child is not yet healed, that husband or wife is not yet saved, you have not yet been delivered, and you are weakening under the prolonged pressure. Whatever your trial, you have been going through for decades and you can feel your faith, your love, your relationship, and your joy in our loving Father stabilized rather than growing.
Everything starts with Calvary and Jesus Christ, so my admittance and repentance during the studying of the Scriptures and Church attendance serve as a precursor to transformation. In essence God made me to know that my unhappiness was a result, not of my circumstances, but due to my interpretation of these situations. In other words, I had already defined how my life should be, based upon his promises, and in comparison to His plans for my life, and since the one did not equal the other, subconsciously, I felt like God had failed me. I felt a sense of hopelessness. I need you to get this – we must not only accept God’s promises but we have to have peace with how He chooses to fulfill them.
Let me elaborate. Some will say, “God called me to ministry” or “God promised to heal me, my child/family member”; however, while we do not give God a timeframe for His promises, the longer we wait for them to be fulfilled, the greater the propensity for discouragement. Here, I am not speaking of the two to five year struggle, or even the twenty-year promise. Although these are all relevant, I am speaking of any struggle where in our hearts and minds, we have determined that the pain, and the suffering has occurred long enough and therefore produces a counter-productive response from our hearts and minds.
My Dream Vs. God’s Vision
Somehow we have dislocated ourselves from the lives and testimonies of those we celebrate daily through Scriptural reading and who suffered during Christ’s physical presence on earth and those down through the centuries. Surely, God really does not expect me to wait twelve, eighteen, or even thirty-eight years for a blessing? He must know we do not live as long as Moses and other biblical persons? I cannot wait that long for my blessing! Therefore we attempt to propel God to action a little more expeditiously than in biblical times. Our rationalization of how and when God does what He is doing in our lives cries, why? God, what are you doing? It is not suppose to turn out this way! It is this subtle human, and carnal rationalization that robs the faithful Christian of his or her joy and the elasticity to give thanks in all things.
Based on the sum total of what one has learned in church, life, and education, an image has been formed of what and how life should manifest itself or play out. Oh, this imagery is most subtle brothers and sisters and the most difficult to rid oneself of. Coupled with expectancy, it makes for one’s most tenacious enemy to be oneself rather than Satan. God reminds us, “He takes the wise in their own craftiness” (1 Cor. 3:19). Jesus reminds us, “the words He speaks unto us are Spirit and life” (Jn. 6:33). Consequently, belief in God’s ability to perform his perfect will in our lives and for it to bring about true joy will not come from academia, nor from our limited knowledge tanks, nor theories, or even church clichés, but only through faith in Him alone (Heb. 10:36-11:6). All the other mentioned items are fine in their proper perspective, but are not a sure foundation when one’s faith is truly tested.
It is ok to ask God why. The Psalms and the entire Bible for that matter is filled with questions to God in search for understanding of God’s infinite wisdom, which constantly baffle even the most learned theologian and bible student. But if God chooses not to respond immediately, rest in faith rather than permit human rational to run exuberantly.
God’s Faithfulness Will Bring Fulfillment of His Promises
God does not change; He is faithful (Heb. 4:6:18). Jesus death and resurrection, and active priesthood, in conjunction with the gift of the Holy Ghost demonstrate God’s everlasting love to us as his creation. I appreciate the way the prophet Jeremiah proclaims it: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end” (29:11). The apostle Paul also states, “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil 1:6). The reinstatement of joy in the Christian life demands an assurance of God and his promises.
And while we know the Scriptures, “My thoughts are not your thoughts” (Isa. 55:8); “The natural man receiveth not the things of God” (1 Cor. 2:14) and “The carnal mind is enmity against God” (Rom. 8:5-8), we usually attribute these Scriptures, as should be, to differentiate between walking in the flesh from that of walking in the Spirit. Herein lies the subtle danger: reliance upon ones conceived blueprint for God’s fulfillment of his promises than allowing his perfect will to be performed. My encouragement to you and myself is that God has not forgotten His promises; only we must let go of how and when we have assumed God would bring them to pass.
I would suggest even letting go of those past hurts, failures, timelines, and unfulfilled dreams. We know we are called to suffer. You may say, “But you do not know what I have been through”. I would agree with your assessment. But God does, and I am positive that your suffering is no more than what Christ has borne in our stead. Again, faith states, this suffering has a purpose, my waiting is not in vain, this is not an arbitrary situation, God is taking me somewhere, and how he is performing the transition from promise to fulfillment is best. I do not understand it, but I choose to rest on God’s promises: not my education, not my earthly wisdom, not my theological background, but simply on His Word.
Final Thoughts
Lastly, from this conversation with God, I realized that God wants more than my sacrifice of holy living. Here, I was a bit surprised. What could be more than the offering of one’s life for the purpose of sanctification? All of one’s heart, desire, dreams, and hopes. Because He loves me, He wants all of me. There is a danger in providing God with a Cain sacrifice rather than an Abel sacrifice (Gen 4:7). A sacrifice without any of my heart, or some of my heart, and even most of my heart is unacceptable to the Lord. So today by God’s grace, I let go of how I had my life planned to accept what God is doing in my life. I do not necessary understand it but by faith I accept it. Now, I feel lighter and freer. And to answer my own question, anger does not just dissipate, but Christ can and does remove it and fills the void with joy and peace. Praise God.
1 comment:
This is genius. You go girl. You got a blog on it. that is amazing. Keep it up.
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